I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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