When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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