Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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