Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
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