I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Boobs are out for the taking
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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