My Higher Power is John Stamos
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I did not marry a roomba.
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