If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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