Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
40s are totally the cure
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
