OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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