I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
