Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
