Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
