Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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