I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
