I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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