the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
