i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
it was like eating out sand paper
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
