I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
