Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
