I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
