Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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