ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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