she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize