so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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