just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
