The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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