I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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