I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
