I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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