So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
