When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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