I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He did a backflip because drugs
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