porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
