Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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