First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
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