I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The uberlube is also flammable
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
