My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
