Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
