I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
