I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
