why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize