i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
high people should be assigned attendants
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
