An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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