Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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