I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My dick has a subreddit
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
