i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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