I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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