if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
