I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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