Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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