my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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