I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
