You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I am available for nakedness
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
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