he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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