he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't turn off my feet"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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