I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
