I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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