Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
