"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
