We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
