Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
