Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
