If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
