I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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