my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
