i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
