My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
