I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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