The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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