Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize