i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
