New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
