That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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