P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
