I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
