I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
