I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
